roller coaster's going down down down

It's really hard to keep my mood high all the time, or at least keep it high enough to stay just under the radar. I was better at it when I was younger, now I'm just growing tired and I give up on it more easily. I shut down and walk away, take some time to myself then brush myself off and return like nothing happened.

Lately it's been like a roller coaster. The highs are amazing and joyous and exciting.. but the lows are hell. There was a pause when I got off the ride but it felt empty, now that I'm back on it my stomach's turning. Heading to another low again.

There are things I forgave when I swore to myself years ago that I would never, ever forgive anyone for anything. I feel like those things are coming back to bite me in the ass and ridicule me for being such a fool. Only fools forgive people.

The Queen and I by Gym Class Heroes is playing. How appropriate.

I wish I could take a vacation. I've too many obstacles in my way though (lack of funds, time, etc) and I realize that no matter how long I run away for, I have to come back eventually even if I don't want to.

Still, how I wish..

"The Queen and I" by Gym Class Heroes

I love it how she breathes booze in the morning
And, it's so sexy how she can't remember last night
I made the fatal mistake lettin' her drink again
but who the hell am I to tell her how to live her life?

And if you could put dumb in a shotglass
I'm just another lush who's had one too many and when plenty's not enough
I see you stand there, I'll settle for anything,
anything's better than lettin' her THINK she could do better than me
She'll come around eventually

'Cause baby girl's a queen
But the queen's just a pawn with a bunch of fancy moves
And she's made me a fiend
I'm goin' through withdrawal, but I got nothing to lose

Oh no, (HEY!)
She's at the bottom of that bottle (HEY! HEY!)
She's only one more swallow (HEY!)
From being, oh so hollow (HEY!)
(Hey! Hey! Hey!)
Bravo, (HEY!)
she's at the bottom of that bottle (HEY! HEY!)
She's only one more swallow (HEY!)
From being, oh so hollow (HEY!)
(HEY! HEY! HEY!)

I find it funny she can never find her car keys
Immediately after telling me she can't take it
She makes the cutest faces when she screams obscenities
And slurs her words because she's never not inebriated
And the front page headline read:
Let that girl go, you know you can do better
It's bad, but the fact that you can't have her
Is the reason you sweat her,
Don't let her take advantage of you
Like them other dudes let her
You better cut your losses now buddy.

'Cause baby girl's a queen
but the queen's just a pawn with a bunch of fancy moves
And she's made me a fiend
I'm goin' through withdrawal, but I got nothing to lose

Oh no, (HEY!)
She's at the bottom of that bottle (HEY! HEY!)
She's only one more swallow (HEY!)
From being, oh so hollow (HEY!)
(Hey! Hey! Hey!)
Bravo, (HEY!)
she's at the bottom of that bottle (HEY! HEY!)
She's only one more swallow (HEY!)
From being, oh so hollow (HEY!)
(HEY! HEY! HEY!)

Drown yourself,
It's not worth keeping me,
Just put it down right now
And bow out gracefully

Drown yourself
It's not worth keeping me
Just put it down right now,
And bow out gracefully
('Cause baby girl's a queen
But the queen's just a pawn with a bunch of fancy moves
And she's made me a fiend
I'm goin' through withdrawal, but I got nothing to lose)

Oh no, (HEY!)
She's at the bottom of that bottle (HEY! HEY!)
She's only one more swallow (HEY!)
From being, oh so hollow (HEY!)
(Hey! Hey! Hey!)
Bravo, (HEY!)
she's at the bottom of that bottle (HEY! HEY!)
She's only one more swallow (HEY!)
From being, oh so hollow (HEY!)
(HEY! HEY! HEY!)

Spare me the details, if you don't mind.

Going through my entire Zune music collection and deleting music I don't listen to/don't like/don't know how it got there while building a work out playlist. I came upon this song and it made me cringe a bit. It reminds me of a certain someone.

"Spare Me The Details" by The Offspring

My girlfriend, my dumb donut
Went up to a party just the other night
But three hours later and seven shots of jäger
She was in the bedroom with another guy

And I don't really wanna know
So don't tell me anymore
And I really don't wanna hear
About her feet all up in the air

And well I'm not the one who acted like a hoe
Why must I be the one who has to know?
I'm not the one who messed up big time
So spare me the details if you don't mind

Now I can understand friends who wanna tell me
They think they're gonna help me, open up my eyes
But the play by play makes me wanna lose it
Every time you do it man, it turns the knife

And I don't really wanna know
So don't tell me anymore
And I really don't wanna hear
About her feet all up in the air

And well I'm not the one who acted like a hoe
Why must I be the one who has to know?
I'm not the one who messed up big time
So spare me the details if you don't mind

Now I don't need to hear about the sounds they were makin'
And I don't need to hear about how long it was takin'
Or how the walls they were shakin'

Now lying in bed wallowing in sorrow
Missin' the tomorrow that we could have had
Running through my head, over and over
Things I never told her that just make me sad

And it drives me insane sittin with a vision
stuck with that image burned into my brain
And I feel so dumb that I could ever trust her
When someone else fucked her, then walked away

And I don't really wanna know
So don't tell me anymore
And I really don't wanna hear
About her feet all up in the air

And so I'm not the one who acted like a hoe
Why must I be the one who has to know?
I'm not the one who messed up big time
So spare me the details if you don't mind

Cuz I don't wanna know
Don't wanna know
(Spare me the details if you don't mind)
Don't wanna know
(Spare me the details if you don't mind)
Don't wanna know...

He has this horrible habit of sharing the most absolutely disgusting tidbits about himself and his current relationship so whenever this song comes on, I get this sick feeling in my stomach.. similar to the one I get every time we speak o.O;

Good song though!! Love The Offspring :D

This winter break's going well so far. I'm busy with work, family, and my boyfriend. School starts week after next and I'm excited for the new term :)

God only knows what I'd be without you

I've no idea where I'd be without music. It's that friend that never leaves you unless your battery dies or your headphones bust.

The past week my mind's been elsewhere and during those moments of weakness when my mind would succumb to the poisonous thoughts brought on by the infection of the wound from this past summer (one that will never really heal, I've realized), music helps me clear my head. If not, it kind of says the things I'm not strong enough to say or admit to myself and sometimes it touches issues I'm pushing aside for the moment because I really don't want to get into the messy situation that would result in. Regardless, I love music. I wouldn't say it's like air to me. It's more like food. It's water for my soul when it's dehydrated after being drained by the people around me.

I think I need to make a few playlists.

And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught. But you put on quite a show, really had me going. Now it's time to go, curtain's finally closing. That was quite a show! Very entertaining. But it's over now. Go on and take a bow. And the award for the best liar goes to you for making me believe that you could be faithful to me, let's hear that speech again.

Let me get over you the way you've gotten over me. Set me free, why don'tcha babe? Let me be, why don'tcha babe? 'Cause you don't really love me, you just keep me hangin' on. Now you don't really want me, you just keep me hangin' on.

Everybody loves a winner so nobody loved me. "Lady peaceful", "Lady Happy" that's what I long to be! All the odds are, they're in my favor, something's bound to begin. It's gonna happen! Happen sometime. Maybe this time I'll win.

Maybe.

maybe this time i'll win

Maybe this time, I'll be lucky
Maybe this time he'll stay
Maybe this time, for the first time
Love won't hurry away

He will hold me fast
I'll be home at last
Not a loser anymore
Like the last time, and the time before

Everybody loves a winner
So nobody loved me
Lady peaceful, Lady happy
That's what I want to be

All of the odds are, they're in my favor
Something's bound to begin
It's gotta happen, hahaha-happen sometime
Maybe this time I'll win

Cuz
Everybody loves a winner
So nobody loved me
Lady peaceful, Lady happy
That's what I want to be

All of the odds are, they're in my favor
Something's bound to begin
It's gotta happen, hahaha-happen sometime
Maybe this time I'll win

Maybe.

I love Glee. It's a really good show and the music's top-notch.

I'm going through a rough patch right now. I'm not sure how much longer it'll last but I'm trying hard to get through each day. Some days are easier than others, and some days, like the past couple of days, are hard. I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams and I'm fighting to hold myself together, all the while failing horribly.

I don't know what to do.

Yesi says:
hardcore:
http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=8526405673&topic=4909

I wish I was a polar bear says:
if you link me to something like that again

Yesi says:
LOL

I wish I was a polar bear says:
i swear i'm going to do something you regret

Yesi says:

why?

I wish I was a polar bear says:
because i will not support your defanged pussy vampire faggotry
>:|

This house is no longer a home.

My life's back in order, I think.

I'm free of social and energy parasites if only for the moment and for once in my life, things aren't "complicated" and they most certainly don't require any sort of roundabout explanation.

The people in my mobile's address book are all people I actually talk to and I don't cringe whenever I hear the sound my phone makes when I get a text message because of who it may be from.

I don't have something keeping me up thinking late at night. I rarely take my Ambien these days if at all and my dreams aren't horrid or anything.

It's peaceful.

Part of me wonders how the hell I dealt with it. When my friends ask me about it, I tell them I don't know the answer to that myself. It's okay though. For the moment, things are functional and clear.

I hope they stay this way.